Dundee Football Club Society

A Shorter Play: The Trip to Punt

The first play flew out my mind like a message planted there by the Gods. This one I had to coax out the ground with a gentle pitter-patter motion, like woodcocks do, from the ground. Yes, that's right, this time I wasn't foraging for worms, I was doing something (debatably) productive. And I even found a secret message, but more on that later.

~~Act 1~~

*We last left off our merry band of misfits at a in incredibly sappy and perhaps cliché ending to the last play, the short one (yet still being seven acts long). Luckily for us, it turns out that Hatshepsut is too big for the very big boots that that play presented her with, and needs a second play to really reveal how great she is. And of course, she was the only one that didn't get an explicitly (not in that way, you weirdo) happy ending. So, here goes, in what critics have described as 'oh no, not again'.*

*We reopen the scene in the famous Egyptian city of Thebes, that unlike the Greek city of the same name, was were Hatshepsut's imperial palace was. And bored of simply being the greatest Pharaoh that Egypt had ever seen (if she could say so herself) she decided to try and boost her reputation a bit further.*


Hatshepsut: You know... I had my husband murdered and took the throne from him, I replaced a children's hospital with a museum in my honour, and I even built a brand new horse-and-cart carriageway through an inner city slum, what more is there for me to do?
Maid in Waiting: You could built a massive statue of yourself that doubles as a sundail over the whole city...
Hatshepsut: Good idea... hold on, aren't you supposed to be in Scotland with your husband and football team of kids?
Maid in Waiting: Well, I was, but a new play demands a clean slate, so that ending had to be rather significantly retconned.
Hatshepsut: Does Dundee FC still exist then? With your retconning?
Maid in Waiting: Of course it does, it transcends space and, to some extent, time.
Hatshepsut: Good, good, wait, who else is here?
Lady in Lingering: Me, of course. I'm always hanging around, but never in the spotlight.
Lady in Waiting: That's because you refuse the spotlight, like a conscientious objector.
Lady in Lingering: I do not! I simply wish it would portray me less negatively!
Hatshepsut: That's not helping your case, at all. Now, quiet, the lot of you. This is a new play, clean slate. A chance to do something new. We went north in the last play, and I don't want things to go south now... hold on... that's the idea right there!
Lady in Waiting: What, your Pharaohess-ness?
Hatshepsut: I'm not even going to complain this time. Go south! We should go south!
Maid in Waiting: But you don't like the climate there?
Hatshepsut: That was last play. This is a new episode, new me! Now, just to get the rest of the gang back together...
Lady in Waiting: There's also going to be a whole host of other characters introduced...


Alek: What a lovely place here, I'm glad we chose to visit.
Freya: Too bad that the Seer and Dirty Old Man... that is Rosemary and Kevin, passed on.
Alek: And that my father stayed in Braemer.
Freya: Just us then. Some fans of those other three will undoubtedly be annoyed.
Alek: What do you mean fans? No one reads this stuff.
Freya: Reads? This is a play, not a book, you know.
Alek: Semantics semantics semantics...
Freya: Words words words...
Hatshepsut: Oh wow, first couple's arguement. Quick, get the camera!
Lady in Waiting: Cameras don't exist yet.
Hatshepsut: Then get the royal portrait painter!
Alek: What is it anyway?
Hatshepsut: I'm bored. And ready to do something radical to cement my name as one of the great women of history.
Freya: Why do you go after greatness? I'm perfectly happy just being myself.
Hatshepsut: You wouldn't understand, different social strata. I seek meaning in my life, a higher purpose.
Alek: Have a child or something?
Hatshepsut: I did, that, what's her name again... Neferura. Meh. Plus, I can't have another child, I had my husband killed.
Lady in Waiting: You could always find another one?
Hatshepsut: I can't, all the rest of my close family is already married.
Freya: Maybe try someone who isn't your half brother or cousin?
Hatshepsut: Don't be absurd. I would never marry non-consanguinically.
Alek: Funny way of saying you fancy your cousin.
Hatshepsut: And it's already going off the rails, what did I do to deserve this?
Lady in Lingering: Well...
Hatshepsut: Don't you even start.


*Elsewhere, Djehuty and Hapuseneb were meeting to discuss things.*


Djehuty: Ahh, High Priest of Amun, it is good to be in your company again..
Hapuseneb: Equivalently, overseer of the silver and gold houses.
Djehuty: How shall you respond to resolve to call each other by our names henceforth?
Hapuseneb: Affirmitively, if we also resolve to stop this charade of faux-snobbish speaking.
Djehuty: Fair enough, that joke does drag, but we could have gone somewhere with it...
Hapuseneb: Speaking of going somewhere, do you have any idea what to do with the Pharaoh? She's getting all grandiouse again.
Djehuty: Yes, I'm afraid that enormous temple opposite Luxor didn't quite tickle her fancy enough.
Hapuseneb: A huge statue of her then?
Djehuty: No, she wants to go abroad again.
Hapuseneb: All of this wanting to go somewhere else, the common man might start to think she doesn't like Egypt all that much.
Djehuty: Don't you say that. But, I think I've got just the plan.
Hapuseneb: And what might that be?
Djehuty: A trip down south.


*Several days, or maybe it was years (it is quite difficult to resolve this plot with the real timeline) later, Hatshepsut sat in her throneroom, to discuss with Djehuty what to do.*


Hatshepsut: You see I'm just bored...
Djehuty: So is the reader, or audience even, perhaps.
Hatshepsut: I don't care about them. What should I do?
Djehuty: How about a trip somewhere? Foreign and warm.
Hatshepsut: Egypt is already foreign and warm.
Djehuty: To the author, not to you. How about a great trading expedition to Punt?
Hatshepsut: And that is why, Djehuty, you are at the top of my royal court. It is settled then, gather the army.
Djehuty: You want a war?
Hatshepsut: It is a rich land right? And all the best Pharaohs went on big conquests.
Djehuty: As you wish my lady.


*Djehuty then went to gather the army... hold on a moment, this is moving a bit too fast. Let's have the plot move at a more leisurely pace for a while.*


Lady in Waiting: Oh my dear husband, how blissful it is to lay here, in the palace annex, embraced, looking upon the beautiful Nile...
Egyptian Solider: Right as always, my dear wife. I do love relaxing here, running my hand through your soft silky hair...


*Maybe a bit too leisurely there, a middle ground is called for.*


Lady in Waiting: I wonder who that strange floating voice belongs to?
Egyptian Solider: I know, it is rather odd...
Lady in Waiting: It was in the last play too, I remember now.


*Let's move away from them, and get back to the good old flow of the last play.*


Hatshepsut: I have gathered you all here to make an announcement. In an hour we head south, to the mystical and distant land of Punt, where gold, ebony, ivory, resin, and so much more, can be found.
Djehuty: And bring much wealth to Egypt, to offset the recent... lavish spending, to say the least.
Hatshepsut: Lavish and necessary. And also, think how much glory this trip will bring, not just to Egypt, but to me too. Legitimacy, and prestige, cementing my position on the throne.
Djehuty: Impecable logic as always, your Pharaohness.
Freya: Do they always have to suck up like that to the Pharoah?
Maid in Waiting: I've never personally been asked to suck up, but if I was...
Lady in Lingering: Spare us the jokes about... that stuff.
Lady in Waiting: To answer your question, Freya, yes, more or less. This is a royal court after all.
Egyptian Solider: Isn't my wife smart?
Alek: I prefer mine.
Freya: Still weird to think we are married, that really did come out of nowhere.
Alek: Well, not exactly, it was set up, just not very well.
Maid in Waiting: I thought it was very romantic and touching...
Freya: Remind me what happened to your husband, the Dundee FC player?
Maid in Waiting: We retconned that part of the last play, remember?
Hatshepsut: Ding dong, time's up. Everyone, pack your bags, if you have any, and let's go. The army is waiting outside.


*Freya ran inside quickly to grab a few books she somehow had with her, that would surely come in relevant later.*


Hatshepsut: Tick tock, time is moving.
Lady in Lingering: And we'll never get it back.
Freya: I'm ready!
Hatshepsut: Finally. Army, MARCH! And Hapuseneb, make sure to be a competant regent, or else!
Hapuseneb: Don't you worry my lady, I will do my best.
Djehuty: Concentrate on the trip, your Pharaohness.
Hatshepsut: So I shall. Its quite a few weeks, of pretty must just desert, to go though.
Lady in Waiting: I'm already feeling hot from all this walking...
Freya: Say not show as they always say.
Lady in Lingering: Exactly, no sensible writer uses stage directions, that's just frivolous.
Hatshepsut: Be lively. Punt has lots of exciting things we will soon see... in like 20 days of our time, and about 15 seconds of audience time.

~~Act 2~~

*Imagine something heroic, yet well into the public domain, playing at this moment. Picture the scene, Hatshepsut and her merry band of misfits, as well as a professional highly trained army, head down south. They aim to plunder... that is establish a peaceful mutually beneficial trading relationship with the land of Punt.*


Lady in Waiting: Time's really flying by.
Hatshepsut: How interesting do you find marching through the desert for 20 days and nights?
Lady in Waiting: Desperately miserable.
Maid in Waiting: And dry.
Hatshepsut: And that is how everyone feels about it. There's no sense in describing the entire thing in detail.
Lady in Waiting: But last time when we sailed across the Mediterranean, we had several encounters to really show we actually went there and were travelling.
Hatshepsut: Well, firstly, this is barren desert, there's nothing to see, at least nothing the author could be bothered to research, and secondly, quiet, the rest of the cast also need to talk.
Lady in Lingering: Thank you!
Djehuty: Oh look, we're nearly there.
Egyptian Solider: Right there over the horizon!
Hatshepsut: You sure it's not just another mirage?
Egyptian Solider: Definitely not, there's people there.
Hatshepsut: And what do they look like?
Egyptian Solider: Not Egyptian, and very angry.
Hatshepsut: They've got nothing to be angry about, I only bring good things. I'll build them a nice big port, and even a few roads, so I can more effectively ship everything valuable that they have back to Egypt.
Egyptian Solider: Considering that, I can see why they would be getting angry.
Hatshepsut: Quiet, you are a soldier, who is supposed to just follow orders.
Djehuty: Perhaps a more pragmatic approach might be best, your Pharaohness? So they aren't so hostile?
Hatshepsut: Nonsense, we'll go in full force. It's the only way to really conquer... I mean establish long lasting economic ties.
Djehuty: As you wish...
Alek: I think this Pharaoh stuff is really getting to her.
Freya: Nonsense, she was always like this.
Hatshepsut: Quit your slanderous babble, we have a show of force to perform. Everyone, ready, set, charge!


*The Egyptian army gave out a valiant roar as they charged forward, towards the Defenders of Punt. They gathered pace, chanting some vague warlike chant (what else did you expect they would chant?), but, just before they arrived a the line of standing Puntlanders, the earth opened before them, and all the Egyptians charged forth via inertia, and fell down. Light quickly faded into the distance as they fell.*


Alek: The Gods can't be doing this to us...
Freya: They didn't, it was the Punters... uh, Puntish? What's the word for someone that comes from Punt?
Lady in Waiting: Foreigners?
Freya: No, I mean specificially just them?
Maid in Waiting: Oh, I know! Convenient plot device!
Djehuty: They are people too, I think.
Egyptian Solider: No they aren't. We literally used cardboard cutouts for them.
Hatshepsut: Having that many extras would be really expensive, you must understand.
Lady in Lingering: Not if the playwright or director actually had friend.
Lady in Waiting: Which is probably why he's created a collection of fictional characters conversing to themselves...
Hatshepsut: It's called a quiet genius. You wouldn't know anything about it. Have you ever even tried writing something?
Lady in Waiting: I don't have an infinite supply of stone tablets unlike you.
Alek: Hey look, there's something under us!
Freya: It's hard to see as its so dark, but he's right!
Maid in Waiting: The underworld...
Djehuty: Hades, Osiris, Styx, Qed-her, the Gatekeepers of Aaru...
Hatshepsut: Don't be so dramatic. We'll just tell them it's a big misunderstanding, have some tea, and then be on our way.
Djehuty: You make it sound so easy.
Hatshepsut: Because it is. I am the Pharaoh, a literal god on earth.
Egyptian Solider: Shall I have a look around then?
Hatshepsut: Maybe I should, being at the head of this party?
Egyptian Solider: Please, it is no job for a woman. Allow me.
Lady in Waiting: Dear, it could be dangerous!
Egyptian Solider: Don't worry about it, I'll be fine... hmm, I wonder what this...
Lady in Waiting: Oh my god! He's just died!
Hatshepsut: Indeed, I see what he meant about it being no place for a woman. I rather value being alive.
Lady in Waiting: But he was my husband!
Lady in Lingering: Come on, you had basically no romantic buildup and were basically just stuck together at the end of the last play. Plus, there are too many of us anyway.
Freya: True, it's quite hard to juggle this many characters.
Alek: And I'm the only man here, again.
Maid in Waiting: Quite a few guys wouldn't think that so bad.
Djehuty: Except I am also here.
Alek: Oh yeah, but to that point, only those guys aren't married.
Maid in Waiting: I forgot about that. Seems your relationship is just as shallow as the soldier's.
Alek: Hey! It's very deep, it just hasn't been actualised yet, or really shown.
Lady in Lingering: Keep telling yourself that.


*We should probably get the plot moving again. The scenes of this play really are too long, and don't really spell out what's happening, and that gives the director far too much creative freedom. Speaking of freedom, time to hand back over to the characters, as they decide to explor deeper, leaving behind the body of the poor Egyptian Soldier, although the Lady on Waiting was nice enough to leave a small Ankh for him, in order to protect his soul, even though that isn't really how it works.*


Djehuty: We need to be very careful. Who knows what could be lurking down here.
Hatshepsut: Do you have any theories?
Djehuty: Yes, but I won't share them, lest they cause a mass panic.
Hatshepsut: Fair enough, they are just a bunch of ninnies anyway.
Maid in Waiting: Rude! And I'm not a simpleton, I'm actually quite smart, I just recently mastered reading.
Lady in Lingering: Oh yeah? And how old are you then?
Maid in Waiting: No idea actually, the author has refused to pinpoint any such details for us ladies and maids.
Lady in Waiting: And a damn shame too about that; I really think we could be very deep and valuable characters.
Maid in Waiting: Certainly, I know I am very deep, and tight.
Hatshepsut: Don't you start again.
Maid in Waiting: I never stopped. I'm always ready to...
Hatshepsut: ...ruin my mood. Seriously, you're giving me flashbacks to the first play. This is supposed to be a new page!


*And indeed, it is.*


Hatshepsut: Hey, what just happened!?
Djehuty: I believe, my lady, it's what is called a scene change.
Hatshepsut: Really, how so? The background is still the same and we haven't moved.
Alek: They probably couldn't afford a new background.
Hatshepsut: Who cares, let's get going. I'd rather like to see the Styx and all that fancy stuff.
Maid in Waiting: I mean, I've never really though myself that way inclined, but...
Djehuty: You do realise Styx is a river?
Maid in Waiting: Then I will have to bathe... very thoroughly in it.
Hatshepsut: Styx isn't just a river, but also a goddess. And she's married.
Lady in Waiting: For divine beings, they do get awfully domestic don't they?
Hatshepsut: The desire for love, companionship, and family are universal, well, nearly.
Djehuty: Well said, my lady. But let us go now, for she, Styx, is the first of those we shall meet down here.
Alek: But I'm not even wearing my Sunday best!
Hatshepsut: Stop worrying, Gods are more understanding than they seem at first. You should remember, you saw Montu and Hermes in the last play.
Alek: I know, but I didn't really talk to them.
*THe second act has just about been started at the moment, so not much to see here, sadly. But rest assured, this play will be finished, in time (which shall remain unspecified, no, not because of laziness, but because of my busy schedule attending Dundee related events).*