Dundee Football Club Society

A Short Play

In order to tide you over from the lack of events on this page, here is a short play, brought into existence in an abandoned car factory in France, raised by she-wolves in the depths of Siberia, and briefly serving as the King of Ruritania, before washing up on the shores on Dundee after an unfortunate horse-riding accident.

~~Act 1~~

*The early years of recorded history are scarcely covered, and the primary sources and archaeological evidence that we do have are often contradictory. However, we, at the Dundee Football Club Society, humbly offer you the true story of what truly happened in one particular time of this period.*

*So, allow us to open the scene: the year was 1479 BC, and the story begins in the imperial palace of Thebes, Egypt, where Thutmose II of the Eighteenth Dynasty sat on the Egyptian throne (or more often, on the sofa in front of the television). His long-suffering wife, Hatshepsut, was gradually nearing the end of her rope.*


Hatshepsut: Thutmose my husband, why art thou so damn incompetent?
Thutmose II: Listen here, a man has every right to sit on the sofa and drink beer while watching Memphis FC play Thebes United. It is the Kemetic League semi-final after all!
Hatshepsut: Oh woe is me, how ist Egypt to survive when our Pharaoh is such a foolish drunken ghastly disgusting...
Thutmose II: Listen... whatever your name is, can't you see I am trying to watch these sweaty athletic young men run around together and play with a large rubbery ball? This is real man stuff, no place for a woman like you.
Hatshepsut: First you watch that revolting sport, then you tell me to go away, without even remembering my name, your own wife! And you only spend time with that scarlet woman concubine of yours, Iset!
Thutmose II: Here we go again...
Hatshepsut: How dare you Thutmose Chebron! I should have listened to my mother, she warned me about you Royal types!
Thutmose II: Desperate times call for desperate measures... Begone before I decide to go on another military campaign to the south, and bring you along with me. I know how much you hate the climate in Nubia.
Hatshepsut: Ugghhh, you dirty scoundrel...


*Hatshepsut turned away and walked into another room in the palace, dejected.*


Hatshepsut: He didn't even bother taking me on a honeymoon when we got married, and now he threatens to take me to that desert wasteland.
Maid in Waiting: There, there, my lady.
Hatshepsut: I wanted to honeymoon in Rhacotis, by the shore of the beautiful Mediterranean, to go parasailing and jet-skiing together...
Maid in Waiting: Oh come now, let's not dwell on that too much. That's in the past.
Hatshepsut: The thing is that it's not, it never happened! That's the whole problem!
*The Lady in Waiting came into the room on her daily round.*


Hatshepsut: I really do try, but does he put any effort in... no. Well, perhaps he needs to be taught a lesson...
Lady in Waiting: Do you need anything, your Pharaohess-ness?
Hatshepsut: That's just Pharaoh-ness to you! ... but actually, yes there is something. I've got an idea...
Lady in Waiting: And I'm sure it is a fabulous one my lady.
Hatshepsut: Hush, let me finish. It feels like... I was just sent a message, but a divine force, I've never felt anything like this before.
Maid in Waiting: I knew your husband was bad, but is he really that bad?
Hatshepsut: Don't talk about him around me. You will prepare my ship at once, we shall set sail tonight. Oh, and make sure to tell no-one!
Lady in Waiting: Whatever for, my lady?
Hatshepsut: I didn't employ you to ask questions, I employed you to do as you are told.
Lady in Waiting: But...
Hatshepsut: No buts, I didn't hire the daughter of a man who is best known for his repeated, yet futile, attempts at inventing a ship that can sail on land.
Lady in Waiting: He is trying to use rails for it!
Hatshepsut: ... and a woman who is renowned across the country for being unable to tell the difference between a crocodile and Sobek.
Lady in Waiting: But Sobek's head is a crocodile? Isn't it?
Hatshepsut: That's not the point, what I mean is that I didn't hire you for your brains!
Lady in Waiting: But my lady...
Hatshepsut: Silence! That's another 'but', and what did I say about asking questions?
Lady in Waiting: I'm sorry my lady.
Hatshepsut: Well, go and prepare the ship then! I just feel this urge to sail out, my destiny, and the world's, awaits...


*A few hours later, after dark, Hatshepsut is preparing to board her ship, which was prepared by her three hand-maidens, who are to accompany her on her journey.*


Hatshepsut: Now, ladies, I trust no-one knows of our departure?
Lady in Waiting: Not a soul.
Maid in Waiting: Or a human.
Lady in Lingering: Or a man.
Hatshepsut: Good good, now throw off the anchor and let's see where the gods send us...
Lady in Waiting: But we only brought provisions for a week, what if they run out?
Hatshepsut: Even after earlier today, you still dare to question my infallible judgement?
Lady in Waiting: I'm sorry...


*The ship drifted for the first three days, taking them past remarkable cities, monuments and creatures that are now all lost to time, thus it is futile to document them here. Rest assured they passed the most magical and mystical things, and please do not confuse this line for a lack of creative effort.


Maid in Waiting: Look look! That man only has one eye. And he's huge, I wonder if every part of him is scaled up...
Hatshepsut: That there is a cyclops, and he can get incredibly violent.
Maid in Waiting: Who's to say I don't like it rough?
Hatshepsut: I'm not sure even you would like being torn limb from limb.


*At midday, they waved on to the hero Odysseus as they passed him on his voyage back home across the Aegean, catching him as Circe was turning half his men into pigs*


Lady in Lingering: Not much change there then...
Maid in Waiting: You know, Odysseus kinda has a rugged charm, and look at his eyes...
Hatshepsut: Oh will you just shut up.
Lady in Waiting: Who'd have thought we would make a cameo in the Odyssey?
Hatshepsut: The Odyssey? Do you really think that is important? Homer has nothing on what we will do in our story. I can feel it... the gods have chosen a task of immense importance for us, perhaps the most important thing ever assigned to mankind...
Lady in Lingering: I think you mean womankind.
Hatshepsut: Honestly, does it matter? The fate of the world is at stake and you are arguing semantics.


*They returned to sea, and it had been but a few hours when they saw in the distance a strange ship sailing away from an island, leaving a sleeping woman behind*


Hatshepsut: Look yonder! There is a damsel in distress, over there.
Lady in Lingering: Well, we aren't waiting for a man to save her. Let's do it ourselves.
Maid in Waiting: But we didn't bring the sails... or the oars. You wanted the gods to guide us.
Hatshepsut: Oh ye of little faith, we'll just have to use some of the planks from the upper deck.
Lady in Waiting: Why didn't I just stay at home, it's so weird out here, at least it is normal in Egypt...
Maid in Waiting: What do you mean? We have gods with the heads of frogs and dogs...
Lady in Lingering: But we've lived there all our lives, so it feels normal to us.


*The ladies rowed tirelessly, until they arrived at the island, disembarking into the water and wading to shore.*


Lady in Waiting: Awww, what a poor dear, she is sleeping, has she even realised she was left here yet?
Hatshepsut: Shhh, we'll wake her gently, bring the cup of freezing cold water...
Maid in Waiting: I'll just fetch it from the ship then.
Hatshepsut: Hurry...


*Suddenly, from thin air, a strange man appeared beside them, with a hiccup.*


Dionysus: What are you lot trying to do to my wife?
Hatshepsut: Wife? But she isn't wearing a wedding ring?
Dionysus: Oh you are your quaint modern customs... I don't need to worry about that, after all, I am a god, especially with that Theseus out the way now...
Hatshepsut: But... does she know you two are married?
Dionysus: Of course not, ... well, not yet at least. But that doesn't matter, as I said, I am a god, and gods can do as they wish. And I want that woman, Ariadne, as my wife, and so I shall have her.
Hatshepsut: That does seem mighty unfair on her, not getting any say in the matter.
Dionysus: Well tough luck you old crone, stop being so jealous, she's lucky to have me.
Hatshepsut: I am not! And I'm only 23 years old, so how dare you call me an old crone!
Lady in Lingering: Let's leave this place my lady, you know how dangerous gods, especially male gods, can get when they are angry...
Maid in Waiting: She's right my lady...
Hatshepsut: You're right, let's scarper.
Maid in Waiting: All aboard!


*They sailed for another 4 days, when, suddenly, they saw something magical on the horizon.*


Lady in Waiting: It can't be...
Lady in Lingering: Wow...
Maid in Waiting: Golly gosh...
Hatshepsut: It can be... this must be the mythical land of DUNDEE! Onwards, we have to get there!


*As if carried by the gods themselves, the ship sailed right into the silvery Tay, and gently settled itself on the coast of pre-historic Dundee.*


Hatshepsut: Can you feel it? The energy in the sky, this must be where all the ley-lines meet!
Lady in Lingering: I knew all that stuff about Glastonbury was a lie.
Hatshepsut: Precisely, Dundee is the true centre of the Earth's spiritual energies.
Lady in Waiting: I feel a strange urge...
Lady in Lingering: Me too, it is so strong...
Maid in Waiting: I don't think I can resist it...
All in Unison: The urge to found a football club, and name it... Dundee Football Club!!!


*And with that, all four of them sprang from the boat, and guided by a divine energy, began searching for a place to build a stadium.*

~~Act 2~~

*From a nearby hill-fort, a local boy saw the boat docked on the estuary.*


Alek: What on earth are those strange women doing there dad?
Father: Quiet son, they look Egyptian, and you know what they say about Egyptian women...
Alek: Ohhh, do tell!
Father: I don't know, that's precisely why we should be careful around them.
Alek: How do you know what an Egyptian woman looks like anyway?
Father: Well, you see, last week's Sunday Sport had a double page spread... What am I saying? You are far too young for this, go play with your pebbles or whatever you kids do these days.
Alek: I'm not a kid any more dad! My eyes are starting to open to a meaning to life beyond throwing rocks at the other boys and whacking each other with tree branches.
Father: You still are are kid in my eyes, kid, now shoo.
Alek: Fine! But don't expect me to cover for you next time you go to the 'massage parlor'.


*In another part of Dundee, an old woman watches on from the window of her hovel*


Seer: The prophecy, it is true!
Freya: But great-grandmother, how can that be? You've never made any actual prophecies!
Seer: Quiet, I have now, I made it as soon as I saw that ship arrive here.
Freya: Well, what is the prophecy then?
Seer: I haven't decided yet.
Freya: Uhh...
Seer: Now leave me, its time for my daily shamanic chanting.
Freya: Fine, but I'm going to see those women, and ask who they are and what they want here.
Seer: Do not do that! You will mess with the mystical energies, the whole universe will be thrown off balance.
Freya: I swear if you have been reading that Bulwer-Lytton's stuff again... that strange book you somehow manifested from the future. You do realise its just a novel, there aren't actually ascendant humans living under...
Seer: My child, Vril is the hidden truth, even the druids know nought of it. Vril-ya are very real... perhaps they could even be more real than us, we might just be characters in a...
Freya: Please stop great-grandmother, that is just such a tired cliché that has no place here.


*Before her great-grandmother could react, Freya ducked down and stepped out the hovel, making her way down towards the women, who were looking around near the coast.*


Freya: Apologies for this intrusion, but may I ask what you four are doing here? We haven't had visitors in so long.
Maid in Waiting: My gosh, they can speak!
Lady in Lingering: And so elegantly too!
Lady in Waiting: Here I thought Dundee was a land of savages...
Hatshepsut: Please, ignore them, I am Hatshepsut, the Pharaoh of Egypt.
Lady in Waiting: But I thought your husband...
Hatshepsut: He is dead to me, and soon, if I have my way, he will be dead to the world too.
Freya: Uhhh, very interesting... you were saying?
Hatshepsut: Oh yes, young... don't you say lass here? Well, young lass, we are here because we were delivered here by the gods, in order to establish Dundee Football Club, the founding of which was foretold by the Oracle of Delphi a century ago.
Freya: That's a lot to take in. So, you mentioned Delphi... are you Greek then?
Hatshepsut: Heavens no, does Hatshepsut sound like a Greek name? They all have silly names like Phillius and Kerkylas, so uncivilised.
Freya: And... you were saying the gods brought you here? Like, the actual gods!?
Hatshepsut: Indeed, and now all of us feel the same all consuming urge to build that stadium, oh how I see it, mmm, such pointy towers it will have, to attract people from miles around, and a great big massive pitch...
Maid in Waiting: It feels so... overwhelming, just close your eyes and will it to come all over you...
Freya: Ahh! Suddenly, I feel it too... wow, what a feeling, I can see it now, this will be a wonder of the world, the one and only Dundee Football Club!
Hatshepsut: You are catching on, now, get all your friends.
Freya: But... I don't have any friends, except my great-grandmother, but she is like 94...
Hatshepsut: Then just get random people. We must build this stadium even if it kills us, this is just too important for us not to do. The whole universe depends on it.
Freya: Normally I would be to anxious to do so, but with this new-found urge... I can't not go and tell people about the glory that Dundee FC will reach, and how they must be a part of it.


*With that, Freya ran off to the nearest hovels, and began evangelising the populous, telling them of venn diagrams, football, Dundee, and what was in the middle.*


Dirty old man: So you are saying we have to put something right there in the middle?
Freya: Exactly, plant it firmly, so it may last several thousand years.
Dirty old man: I suppose one would have to be quite virile to pull that off...
Freya: Don't despair, just run along and tell the rest of your... uhh... drinking buddies.
Dirty old man: So I will, Viva Dundee!


*Eventually, exhuasted panting, Freya reached the top of the hill-fort.*


Freya: Everyone! Quick, come here!
Alek: What is it?
Freya: You know those women that just arrived?
Alek: Ohh yes I do, I've been watching them since they got here!
Freya: That's... reassuring... but anyway, we have a divinely ordained mission before us!
Alek: Really!? What sort? Does it involve the Egyptian women?
Freya: Well, yes... wait, how did you know they were Egyptian?
Alek: Uhh...
Freya: Anyway, that isn't important, we must go now, and bring Dundee Football Club into existance, and greatness!
Alek: Yay!!
Father: Wait for me, I also want to see!
Freya: Now I can see why we banished your entire family to this hill, its always the same with you lot.
Rest of the family: And us too!
Freya: The things I will do for Dundee...


*Thus, they all made their way down the hill hastily, every single one of anxious to begin construction of the stadium.*


Father: I simply can't wait! How couldn't I have thought of this idea earlier?
Alek: Because you are incredibly dim, and spend all your time reading dirty mags?
Father: Ughh, I can't even get mad because you are absolutely right.
Freya: Quiet! I hear it... the gods... they are urging us to gather wood, and stone, materials for the stadium...
Alek: Cool! Can I listen to them too?
Freya: Shhhh!!!
Alek: Aww...

~~Act 3~~

*A couple days have passed, and the construction of the stadium is well underway.*


Alek: Isn't it amazing how much just a few people can achieve if they all just put their minds, and bodies, together?
Dirty old man: Putting bodies together, now that is something I can get behind, literally.
Father: Me too, here son, did I ever tell you how you were conceived? See, me and your mother were sinking into a peat bog...
Freya: Please, let's stick to the point!
Father: That's exactly what she did, how did you know?
Freya: Will you shut up and get back to work!
Father: This is incredible, were you there?
Alek: Dad... you don't have to tell everyone...
Freya: Everyone, double time, lay the stones!


*But then, horns sounded in the distance, announcing the arrival of the local chief. Hatshepsut and her hand-maids join the main group, having been working on the pitch.*


Hatshepsut: What is it now, why aren't you lot working?
Father: That must be the Chieftain miss.
Hatshepsut: What chieftain?
Father: The big Chieftain, he controls the land with an iron first.
Hatshepsut: I thought you didn't have organised government here yet?
Father: Well, we don't, you see, it's this Scythian warlord, who showed up here a few years ago, they call him "Chiefly 'Arm-ful".
Hatshepsut: Why, does he have an extra arm?
Dirty old man: No, because he causes harm! Get it, harmful, armful? Once he went to a village and had everyone's left arm broken for daring to look in his general direction.
Hatshepsut: A rather morbid pun.
Father: We have a rather dark sense of humour here. The winter nights are long after all, and candles are in short supply.
Hatshepsut: Does it look like I care? Anyway, what's his real name?
Father: Octamasadas. The very name brings brings terror into the hearts of our strongest men. Most are to scared to even think the name, let alone say it.
Alek: We are done for, he's going to be furious when he sees this huge stadium...
Freya: Worry not, I am sure that the Pharaohess will think of something.
Hatshepsut: For the last time, its just Pharaoh. Pharaohess isn't a real word!
Maid in Waiting: Anything can be real if you concentrate hard enough, isn't that what we are doing right now with the stadium?
Hatshepsut: And here I thought that it was her that was the dumb one.
Lady in Waiting: Am I the dumb one? I mean I am not the dumb one... oh... I see your point.
Hatshepsut: Listen, forget it, what are we going to do about that Chieftain of yours?
Alek: Normally everyone runs and hides in their houses until he passes.
Freya: We can't do that now, he will see the stadium and knock it down!
Lady in Lingering: Always like this, if only it was a Chieftainess...
Father: That would be really interesting to see, I think. All the young women...
Hatshepsut: Stop with your revolting fantasy and start thinking about what we are going to do to stop this insane Chieftain of yours.
Maid in Waiting: I've got it!
Hatshepsut: Yes?
Maid in Waiting: We, or I perhaps, seduce him!
Hatshepsut: Oh come on, that is idiotic, plus, this isn't one of those too-often-praised exploitation films from the late 20th century. I, as an enlightened ruler, absolutely forbid it.
Maid in Waiting: Please? What if he is handsome?
Hatshepsut: Then doubly not. Heavens, sometimes you are worse than the men.
Lady in Waiting: We could set up a huge pitfall trap.
Hatshepsut: There's no time for that.
Lady in Lingering: Or maybe shoot him with an arrow from afar?
Father: Hey, I can shoot a bow pretty well, I used to be a hunter when I was younger. Then, I took an arrow to the ankle.
Hatshepsut: Excellent, do you have your bow?
Father: Yes of course, I keep it well scrubbed and springy in my home, just in case I ever need to show it to...
Hatshepsut: Stop yapping and go and get it then!


*With that, the father rushed off to get his bow from his hovel on the hill-fort. Of the side, sitting on the rock, was the dirty old man, with young Alek close by.*


Dirty old man: You know son, I like that sort of woman, one who doesn't take any nonsense. One that's got a good bit of fire in her.
Alek: You don't say?
Dirty old man: Oh yes I do.
Alek: But why?
Dirty old man: Because she is the prettiest filly here at the moment, that's why. Who cares about personality when you've got...
Lady in Lingering: SHUT UP! Filthy, horrible, stupid...
Dirty old man: Come to think of it, that one is also...
Lady in Lingering: If you start that again, I am going to...
Dirty old man: Point taken, don't get your knickers in a twist.


*Hatshepsut coughs loudly, exasperated.*


Hatshepsut: This is nearly as bad as it was with my husband back in Egypt.
Lady in Lingering: It's not that bad, they don't have television here at least.
Hatshepsut: Please, don't remind me. EVERYONE, gather round, we've wasted so much time already.
Freya: What is it?
Alek: Listen, you can hear hooves, the Chieftain must be nearly here.
Hatshepsut: Well done kid. Look there on the hill, your dad is in place with his bow. Now, all we have to do is, when the Chieftain gets here, we keep him still here for long enough so that your dad can get a good shot at him. Understood?
Alek: Absolutely.
Freya: Perfectly.
Lady in Waiting: Yes my lady.
Dirty old man: Hey, how many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hatshepsut: Can we stop with the anachronisms? Lightbulbs won't exist for another 3,300 years or so.


*The hooves grew louder as the horses neared Dundee, and at the head, a big bruttish man came forth.*


Chief Octamasadas: What is the meaning of this? What is this here strange stadium that is being build on MY lands?
Freya: Uhhh...
Hatshepsut: Allow me to explain Mr 'Arm-ful.
Chief Octamasadas: My name is Octamasadas!
Hatshepsut: Isn't that a Scythian name?
Chief Octamasadas: Yes it is.
Hatshepsut: Well, how did you end up in Scotland then?
Chief Octamasadas: I could ask you the same question, you are Egyptian.
Hatshepsut: Good point, okay, Mr Octamasadas 'Arm-ful, allow me to explain. This is a grand stadium we are building so that Dundee Football Club may be established here, as prophecy foretold, in this lovely little town of yours.
Octamasadas: What on earth is football?
Hatshepsut: Well, it's where you kick a ball, with your foot. Are you dumb or something?
Chief Octamasadas: Yes I am, who needs brains when you have got brawn, am I right men?
Chief's Men: Brawn not brains! Brawn not brains! Brawn not brains! Brawn not brains!
Freya: I don't think Scythians are actually dumb...
Alek: Does it really matter? I'm quite sure they are about to maim us...
Chiefly Octamasadas: Guess what? You are exactly right. Now men, without further ado, let's break these insolent upstart's arms!


*Suddenly, an arrow cut through the air, hitting the Chieftain squarely in the chest, he toppled off his horse.*


Freya: Is he...?
Alek: He must be, the arrow went out right through.
Freya: And here I thought Octamasadas was supposed to be killed by the Macedonians a thousand years from now...
Lady in Lingering: One down, several million to go...
Dirty old man: All along we were scared of that man, when he was really just that easy to kill. We've been had for fools, we have.
Lady in Waiting: So, did we win?
Hatshepsut: Well, not quite. If you could focus for a moment, and looked at the ten very angry looking men on horseback standing in front of us, maybe you wouldn't have needed to ask that question!
Lady in Waiting: Oh... ohhh gosh!
Maid in Waiting: They look so dangerous, I'm feeling a little...
Hatshepsut: Can you stop crushing on the people literally trying to kill us?
Maid in Waiting: I can't help it, look at their tensed biceps, the furious look in their eyes, how they are charging at us at full speed with their spears raised...!!
Hatshepsut: You see what I mean? Everybody, RUN!!!
Alek: To the hillfort, its safest up there!


*The group ran forward, none daring to look back, except the Maid in Waiting, who looked back once, or twice, and when she saw how much they had been gained on, she screamed.*


Maid in Waiting: I don't think we are going to make it... they'll catch us, and take me back and ravage me...
Hatshepsut: I said stop!
Maid in Waiting: Oh fine, oh the horror if that happened...
Freya: I'm getting tired, I can't go on...
Dirty old man: Come on Freya! You can do this! I'm so old, and I am still managing, just about...
Alek: I feel so sore, and I'm so out of breath...
Hatshepsut: Don't give up hope, in the darkest hour, look not at how dark the room is, but where you can find a candle.
Lady in Waiting: Wise words. But I don't know if they can save us now.

~~Act 4~~

Lady in Lingering: Look!


*The world shook, as the clouds parted, and two gods swooped down, with one pointing his hand at Hatshepsut's group, the other god, who had the head of a falcon, flew straight down at the pursuing horse-men.*


Hermes: You are safe now, allow me.
Alek: I can breath... and I feel like I can run even faster!
Freya: And I'm full of energy.
Dirty old man: I feel fifty years younger, reminds me of when...
Hatshepsut: Thank you, Hermes!
Lady in Lingering: Oh, the shame of having to be rescued by a man...
Hatshepsut: I'm sure we can worry about that later.
Lady in Waiting: Oh, Hermes, who is the other god with you?
Hermes: That's Montu, and I feel we are far enough away that we can stop running.


*The group stopped, and turned, to watch Montu brutally despatching the horse-men one by one.*


Hatshepsut: Finally, an Egyptian god. I was beginning to think that the story had completely forgotten where I come from.
Hermes: Well, actually, Ares did want to come, but he had another engagement. With that Odysseus guy, back in the Mediterranean.
Hatshepsut: He's still knocking about, even after half of his crew...?
Hermes: Its rather important he does, his will be one of the most important stories ever told in history.
Hatshepsut: More important than ours?
Hermes: I fear so. The Odyssey will be translated into all the languages of the world, everyone will know it, while your story will pass from the annals of time, only to be eventually remembered by a young man on the 17th of February 2026 AD, and written down, to further bring fame to Dundee FC. So fear not, mortals, while your involvement in this tale may be forgotten, the football club you establish will in time come to be the greatest club in the whole world.
Hatshepsut: A shame, but still, reassuring, that this is not all in vain.
Lady in Lingering: Does it have to be a man who writes down our story? Can't it be a woman?
Hermes: Fate works in mysterious ways. Even you will come to understand, some day.


*In the mean time, Montu finished despatching the last of horse-men, and walked over to Hermes.*


Montu: Another good day's work. Though I must say, the climate here is thoroughly disagreeable.
Hermes: You don't say, and here I though it was just my imagination.
Montu: Always so snarky, Hermes. I get you prefer being around other Greek gods, but can't you be friendly for at least a few minutes?
Maid in Waiting: Yeah, and I've always said, our gods are the most handsome of all.
Montu: Why thank you, madam, that is most kind of you.
Maid in Waiting: No problem, here's a lock of my hair to remember me by.
Montu: Thank you, well I'll leave Hermes here to explain everything else to you lot, I'm heading back to sunny Egypt. Toodeloo.
Freya: Oh, Mantu, wait a moment, I've always been a bit of an amateur Egyptologist, can you sign my copy of the Rosetta Stone?
Montu: No problem, its always nice to see the youth take interest in history.
Hatshepsut: But... this is history?
Montu: Same difference, as I said, it is really time for me to go home now, Toodeloo-doolydoo.


*With a run-up, Montu flew off into the sky, quickly disappearing over the horizon.*


Alek: He's so quick...
Dirty old man: Not as quick as I was when I was your age. Five seconds max I was...
Hatshepsut: Let's stick to the important matters. Hermes, tell us everything.
Hermes: I cannot just tell you. That would defeat the whole purpose of this. The cosmos does not look fondly upon those who know what they do not deserve to.
Freya: So what can you tell us then?
Hermes: I shall, like any good sage in a fantasy story, give you something that effectively amounts to gobbledygook. Well, that is, until when you get past the point when it would actually be useful to know, then you will easily be able to decipher it.
Freya: Well, it must give us at least something to go off of...
Hermes: Not necesarily, for many an adventurer when given such a clue, ends up chasing after the clue, rather than following up on the genuine leads he has.
Hatshepsut: But we are literally just building a football stadium, what clues could we need to do it?
Hermes: Perhaps you are building it too quickly, or perhaps too slowly, or perhaps you are still missing something. I can't say. But what I will say is 'Paradise Lost'.
Freya: That's the clue?
Hermes: Yes, just those two words.
Hatshepsut: Remember what he said, we will NOT overthink it. Now, back to work.
Hermes: Wait a moment, Freya, you took Montu's autograph, do you want mine...?
Freya: Well, I'm really more interested in Egyptology...
Hermes: Pretty please?
Freya: Oh okay, here, at the bottom of this stone tablet.
Hermes: Thank you, now, I must leave too, Zeus is surely mad at me for spending too much time chit-chatting, and not enough time working. He's already put me on overtime for the fifth week running.
Maid in Waiting Say hi to him for me, and to Poseiden, and to Pan, I've always wondered that it would be like, considering he is half goat.
Hatshepsut: That's a new low, even for you.
Hermes: Farewell, you people, and try not to... stray where you aren't supposed to.


*With that, Hermes turned on his heel, and flew off, above the clouds*


Alek: They sure like their dramatic exits, these gods.
Freya: Well how else do you want them to go back up there? You can't walk into the sky.
Alek: Good point.
Hatshepsut: Listen, we have dispatched the Scythian threat, via the personal intervention of the gods. Does this not tell you our cause is just, that we ought to get back to work, like, right now?
Lady in Waiting: Can't we have a little rest? I'd like to try this thing they have here, they call it tea.
Freya: Oh yeah, about that, we aren't supposed to get that for another 3,000 years. Sorry.
Lady in Waiting: Oh it's okay, I'll pop around some time later.
Hatshepsut: You're not going anywhere young lady, we have to get back to building!
Lady in Waiting: Right...


*Alek's father came walking over, panting slightly*


Father: Did I miss anything important? Because, I saw the Scythian Chieftain, Octamasadas, getting really close to you, about to strike, I barely shot him in time, then his horse-men nearly chased you down. Then those gods, I waited because I didn't know when it was safe to actually come down...
Alek: Dad! You're alright?
Father: Well of course I am, I wasn't anywhere near the action was I? Didn't get to see any of the exciting stuff, or even talk to those gods, you know how that was my life's ambition!
Freya: Don't worry, I'm sure another god will show up some day...
Lady in Lingering: Maybe a goddess for a change...
Father: I'll even take an angel or a wood-nymph now.
Dirty old man: Not if I got to her first, I may be old but when I see a pretty wench I'll throw myself at her.
Lady in Lingering: At least that's an inversion, maybe you aren't a completely lost cause...
Hatshepsut: Does anyone here actually have two brain cells to rub together or are all of you thinking from below the waist!?
Freya: Oh I'm sorry Hatshepsut, I'm trying my best!
Hatshepsut: You're okay dear, its the rest of them that annoy me.
Alek: Even me?
Hatshepsut: I suppose you are also alright, just do try and avoid talking to that dirty old man, he's a really bad influence.
Alek: Oh I will, I don't really like him that much myself.
Freya: I don't think anyone does, well, except my great-grandmother. She's always going on about how he is the secret to unlocking her true prophetic potential.
Alek: Well I heard that he is actually, under the crude shell, just an old lonely man looking for a nice woman to spend his last few years together with...
Freya: I never thought about it that way... you're right... what if we tried to introduce them!?
Alek: What a phenomenal idea, its killing, what, three birds with one stone!
Hatshepsut: Enough scheming kids. Well, that break was more than adequate, now, let's get cracking! All of you, up!


*And so, once again, construction resumed, at full force, and slowly but surely, the stadium went from half completed, to two thirds, then three quarters.*


Alek: I'm sweating like a pig, it does get really hard carrying all the materials up to the top.
Freya: Let's go get a drink, I'm exhausted too, come on, quickly now.
Dirty old man: Huh, what are those two up to?
Hatshepsut: Who's to say, guess away, as they say...
Dirty old man: Don't you talk in riddles, I'm serious, I saw them two looking at me earlier.
Hatshepsut: So what? People do look at other people. Plus, you did look rather silly when you tried to drag that whole log up to the top.
Dirty old man: Oh okay, I give up, but I swear if they try anything!
Father: Hey, that is my son you are talking about.
Dirty old man: And this is my overzealous curiousity, so don't you try and stop me!


*As only the top parts of the stadium remained, construction slowed, as it proved more difficult to haul materials up to the tops of the stands and towers. Yet still, it continued, the stadium nearly complete.*


Lady in Waiting: Finally, this is back breaking work...
Maid in Waiting I'm sweatier than I am back in Egypt in summer.
Lady in Lingering: But we can't stop, that urge, it still drives us, drives all of us...
Maid in Waiting: I feel like being driven would be more fun than this.
Lady in Waiting: Hey, at least once we are done, we can finally go back home.
Maid in Waiting: Don't be so hasty, we ought to stick around, sample the local culture, try the local food, Scottish sausages are quite good I hear...
Lady in Waiting: Hey, maybe we should bring a few back with us, see what the royal court thinks of them...
Maid in Waiting: Now that's an idea, I know that some of the other hand-maidens would appreciate then, if not, I'd gladly keep them all to myself.
Hatshepsut: Hold on, what was that I heard? More innuendo? You've already overdone it far too much, cut it out.
Maid in Waiting: But if I do, then there will be nothing distinct left about my character.
Lady in Waiting: It's almost like we are all two dimensional vehicles for...
Hatshepsut: Indeed, we are just here to serve the story of the gods, and more importantly, the story of the true founding of Dundee Football Club, so start acting like it, and get on with the building work.


*The stadium itself came to completion by dusk, and the builders gathered around to assess their progress.*


Hatshepsut: Excellent job, ladies and gentlemen, we have achieved what has never been done before in all of history up til this point. We have built a football stadium. However, one job remains, while the towers are complete, we have not yet raised flags on them. We shall have to design an emblem to fly upon great banners atop the towers, to project our image for miles around.
Freya: Can we really pull that off in an evening?
Hatshepsut: I highly doubt it, hence, let us all rest for the night, and we shall reconvene tomorrow, and decide upon the design, and plan our first football game.
Maid in Waiting: Ohh, how exciting...
Freya: Scotland, the birthplace of football, that's rather a good slogan, we might finally get some tourism here, get on the map...
Lady in Waiting: Yawn... I'm tired, good night...
Alek: Ugh, going up that hill will be a pain, and its so far away...
Freya: You could stay round mine and great-grandma's place, we have a spare room.
Alek: Oh thank you, that's very kind.
Father: Judas! My own son, leaves me to climb that nasty hill, all alone, in the dark, while he stays over, with a girl no less, ughh...
Dirty old man: Very subtle, I'm sure no one can guess where that is going...

~~Act 5~~

*The next morning, the whole of pre-historic Dundee woke up uncharacteristically early, at 11am, in order to see the stadium's grand unveiling, with everyone gathered in front of it, Hatshepsut stood to talk to them.*


Hatshepsut: Friends, Dundonians, Countrymen! I stand before you to present to you, nay, to the world, something which has never in the history of our world been seen before. A football stadium!
Dirty old man: Incredible, I'm genuinely getting teary eyed...
Seer: Here, borrow my tissue.
Dirty old man: You are out? I thought that you spent all your time in that little hovel of yours, chanting and making prophecies?
Seer: Oh, I did, for decades I did, but last night, my great-granddaughter told me the most remarkable thing. She told me that predicting the future means nothing, if that future never becomes the present.
Dirty old man: Wise words. Your granddaughter sounds like a smart girl.
Seer: Oh she is. Freya, some day she will achieve great things.
Dirty old man: I should have known. But I'm not complaining.
Seer: About what?
Dirty old man: Nothing. I'm just... glad you could be here, Rosemary.
Seer: And I'm glad that you are here, Kevin.
Dirty old man: So...
Seer: You know, I made a prophecy a few weeks ago... it predicted home long I had left to live. It's just a few years...
Dirty old man: Oh Rosemary, would you spend them with me?
Seer: Yes Kevin, oh yes, I would.


*Meanwhile, slightly off to the side.*


Lady in Waiting: Who would have thought constant innuendo, eventually getting on our, and I'm sure your, nerves, was actually a masked cry for help, a desperate need to be loved? I sure didn't.
Hatshepsut: That's probably why we didn't ask you. Now come along, we need to unveil the stadium.
*Thus, Hatshepsut coughed to get everyone's attention.*


Hatshepsut: And we have chosen our banner, here it is! It consists of two outlines of a blue shield, with a big letter D in the middle, and F and C to the left and right of it respectively.
Maid in Waiting: Truly beautiful...
Lady in Waiting: There is something very moving about it.
Lady in Lingering: That's probably because the banner is waving about in the wind.
Maid in Waiting: Hush, don't spoil the magic...
Hatshepsut: I shall now hand the banners to this brave volunteer, who shall climb up each of the towers in turn, and raise the banners on them.
Father: That's me. Always ready to do something for the local community.


*Father set off, raising the flags on each tower, but he began to struggle by the last few, and only just manages to place the last one.*


Father: I've been exercising too much the past few days, I've even lost weight...
Hatshepsut: Isn't that a good thing?
Father: Not here it isn't, you need a good layer of fat over you to keep you nice and warm.
Alek: Or you could just do what the rest of us do, and wear a coat.
Father: Smartypants...
Hatshepsut: He is right though, you are missing a coat.
Maid in Waiting: Oh!! I just realised... Hatshepsut... my lady... I think we are missing something...
Hatshepsut: What on earth could we be missing? Heavens, I told you not to...
Maid in Waiting: But my lady, this really is serious, we are missing a football.
Hatshepsut: Oh...
Freya: Now that is serious...
Hatshepsut: No, it is not. We can quite simply make a football. Perhaps this has something to do with the clue...
Seer: Oh, you mean Paradise Lost by John Milton?
Hatshepsut: Yes... wait, how did you know that? You weren't there when the clue was given. Old man, did you tell her? And who is John Milton?
Dirty old man: What? Oh, no, no, I didn't...
Seer: No one told me... I foresaw it. I am a Seer after all.
Hatshepsut: Incredible, in Egypt we just have prognosticators and soothsayers.
Seer: Ohhh! I see something!
Freya: What, what do you see great-grandmother?
Seer: I see... you! Now set out the way and let me concentrate.
Hatshepsut: This better be good...
Seer: Yes, I see it. You have two options. The first, to descend to the underworld. And the second, to go to Mesopotamia.
Alek: What's the difference?
Hatshepsut: This is no time for jokes young man. You can't play football without a ball. And, if the stadium is not completed, then... god knows what will happen to Dundee, to the world...
Freya: So, which option shall we pick?
Hatshepsut: I'm not sure... I will have to think about this, carefully.
Seer: Look into your heart, feel what your will wills you to do, and all that rubbish.
Maid in Waiting: Not that good of at seeing things then are you then? If you can't even tell us what to do.
Seer: My eyesight isn't that bad. I only recently got these new glasses, made out of the finest...
Lady in Waiting: No-one cares.
Seer: I care! I need my eyesight to keep being a Seer, how else am I supposed to look into my crystal rock?
Maid in Waiting: Isn't it supposed to be a crystal ball?
Seer: We in Scotland are a simple people, we haven't invented glass-making yet. So I have to content myself with a rock.
Maid in Waiting: Does it work?
Seer: I sometimes wonder that myself, maybe that's why I stuggle so much with seeing things in it.
Lady in Waiting: Quite, can't you see, the lady is thinking!
Hatshepsut: And you aren't helping either. I'm going, to some quiet place, away from all this... to think without distractions.
Freya: I think I'll go think with you.
Hatshepsut: Someone here is intelligent at least. I knew you were a smart one when I first set my eyes on you.
Freya: How did you come to that conclusion?
Hatshepsut: The god's power, the magic, it all manifests in me, remember? I am more aware of everything than a mere mortal.
Alek: What an ego...
Hatshepsut: I heard that.


*Hatshepsut and Freya walked away behind the hill.*


Father: Well son?
Alek: Well what dad?
Father: Don't try to play ignorant kid, I can see it in your eyes. Earlier this week you were saying about how your eyes are starting to open, now you keep hanging out with that Freya girl...
Alek: So what?
Father: You know what I mean. Boys and girls can't be friends, there's always some romantic feelings in there. So?
Alek: Dad!
Father: Well?
Alek: I've figured it out!
Father: Evading again...
Seer: Well, what did you figure out?
Alek: We have to go to the Mesopotamia!
Seer: And how did you reach that conclusion?
Alek: Remember Hermes said about chasing after the clue rather than following leads we already have? Well, this is just that, Paradise Lost is partly set in hell, that is, the underworld...
Father: What an anticlimatic resolution to having Milton's epic poem as the clue.
Alek: ... Whereas, the leads we have in front of us, you can get crude oil in Mesopotamia, and we need that to make Polyurethane, for the inside of the football!
Seer: What on earth is crude oil? And poly what now?
Alek: Nor do I, it just came to me.
Hatshepsut: It came to me too.
Alek: You are back!?
Hatshepsut: Yes, and so is Freya, it seemed all of us had the same revelation.
Father: Oh, I did too, but I thought it was just another hallucination.
Hatshepsut: Well, we're definitely leaving you here.
Father: But I always wanted to Ctesiphon!
Hatshepsut: Well you're out of luck then, because it won't be built for another 1359 years!
Father: What a spoil sport, are there even any cities there at the moment?
Hatshepsut: Yes there are, there's Nineveh, Assur, and so many others...
Father: And how long does it take to get there?
Hatshepsut: About half a month, a fortnight.
Father: But you said it took you about 7 days to get here!
Hatshepsut: Quiet, or you might break the illusion of narrative coherence.
Alek: So, who is going?
Freya: I definitely am.
Hatshepsut: Someone competent will have to stay here, but who?
Seer: Me and Kevin will stay here. We are too old to make the journey at any rate.
Dirty old man: Okay dear...
Father: And I'll stay here too, since you clearly don't want me to go. And I'll take the chance to pop up to Braemar, there's a friend there I haven't seen for quite some time.
Hatshepsut: How suspiciously convenient.
Maid in Waiting: The narrative demands it.
Lady in Waiting: Speaking of which, this scene is dragging on for far too long.
Lady in Lingering: And I haven't got a chance to say anything in ages!
Freya: That's because its quite hard to have a scene with so many characters in it while keeping them all equally involved.
Hatshepsut: Speaking of which, we'll set off at dawn tomorrow, now everyone, get rested!


*The group all retired to their various abodes, and before they knew it, the night had passed seemingly instantaneously, the cockerel crowed as the sun rose above Dundee, showering the town in a beautiful glow.*


Alek: Since when did we have a cockerel here?
Freya: Since when did the night pass so quickly?
Seer: Since when did you start questioning the wierd narrative incosistencies?
Hatshepsut: The early bird catches the morning worm, or whatever your silly English idiom is.
Maid in Waiting: She's right, we've already been up for an hour, and the boat is ready.
Lady in Waiting: Do hurry then.
Hatshepsut: Do let me do the talking please.
Freya: We're ready, let's go.
Hatshepsut: Come on, see, we've raised the sails again.
Freya: Such a fascinating thing, what are they for.
Hatshepsut: Physically, its probably just the wind, but mystically, its definitely the gods charting our course.
Alek: Well, if it was just the wind, why would it take you straight to Dundee.
Hatshepsut: In the future they will say that all roads lead to Rome. But the truth is that all winds lead to Dundee.
Freya: That explains why it's always so windy here.
Alek: Has Rome even been founded yet?
Freya: We didn't both to check.
Hatshepsut: The ley lines converge at the Dundee Law. And they carry wind currents with them.
Seer: Let's just pretend that makes physical sense.
Hatshepsut: All it requires is faith. With faith, anything, even the most fantastical thing, can be seen as real, and if its seen as real, then it is for all intents and purposes real.
Seer: Wise words. And when faith fades, the material world takes over, and we lose touch with the transcendent.
Freya: Oh well, its all a load of nonsense anyway.
Hatshepsut: Don't spoil it for everyone else, but yes, we are taking far too long, let's go to the boat, now.


*The group made their way back to the shores, and arrived at the boat.*


Dirty old man: Just managed to get here. Had to see you all off.
Father: Me too. It's not every day you see your son decide to sail off on a ship with only women!
Hatshepsut: Don't worry mister, your son is safe with me.
Maid in Waiting: And with me, he-he.
Hatshepsut: No, not with you. You will be on your best behaviour.
Maid in Waiting: So I have to spend a whole two weeks...
Hatshepsut: Don't you dare finish that sentence.

~~Act 6~~

*Although much further innuendo was had, it seemed that this was not significant enough to make it to the cosmic records of this story. Instead, we rejoin the righteous adventurers as they passed Gibraltar, several days into their journey to the Levant.*


Alek: So this is the Mediterranean...
Maid in Waiting: Yes, isn't it lovely? Rather like...
Hatshepsut: I thought we'd agreed to stop with that?
Maid in Waiting: Sorry, it just slipped out.
Hatshepsut: Let's make sure that's the only thing that does.
Freya: I'm going to the far end of the ship.
Maid in Waiting: I was thinking of going there myself...
Freya: Actually, I've changed my mind.
Hatshepsut: I can't wait til we get to port...
Alek: I can't wait to see what real civilisation looks like.
Freya: Speaking of which, did we bring enough provisions?
Hatshepsut: Don't be silly, we can stop at Knossos to resupply.
Lady in Waiting: But at that point we'll already be basically there, is there even a point?
Hatshepsut: Well, we can't stop at Syracuse, that's still like 700 years after our time.
Lady in Waiting: And to think that people in the future will simply brush over everything that happened BC, when in reality it spans a longer time period than AD.
Lady in Lingering: That's what you get when you don't write everything down.
Hatshepsut: I do, my diary, written on the finest Papyrus, takes up an entire city block back in Thebes.
Lady in Waiting: The people of the city want the block used to build a children's hospital though.
Hatshepsut: Don't be silly, my diary is far more important. Just think about it when in three thousand years time its rediscovered and people find out the truth about the early years of civilisation...
Lady in Lingering: That's assuming they will find it.
Hatshepsut: How can they not? Archaeologists can't be that stupid.
Lady in Lingering: You underestimate them I'm sure... you see, men are after all...
Hatshepsut: Ohh look, its Odysseus again, and... Athena is making him look like a beggar so he can re-enter his kingdom disguised...
Lady in Waiting: But still, that's no way for a king to look!
Maid in Waiting: I could set him straight...
Lady in Lingering: No, no, I think it's quite a suitable way for him to look...
Hatshepsut: Shut up, there are gods involved in that story too, let's not interfere.
Maid in Waiting: Fine, but I stand by what I said last time...
Hatshepsut: And I remember, so no need to remind us, we're all already sick and tired of the constant innuendo you spoutorce, I've never felt anything like this befor...
Alek: What did she say?
Maid in Waiting: Well...
Hatshepsut: She said nothing. Nothing at all. Now quiet.


*And so, they arrived at the palace of Knossos at Crete.*


Alek: Wow...
Hatshepsut: Meh, the Greeks still have nothing on us Egyptians...
Attendant: Ahh, hello, travellers, what can I get you?
Hatshepsut: We'd like some supplies.
Attendant: And we have the finest supplies. Food, water, and postcards.
Hatshepsut: We'll take just the food and water...
Alek: But what if I want a postcard...
Hatshepsut: Don't be silly, it's just a stone tablet, nothing you can't make at home.
Alek: But its something to remember here by...
Hatshepsut: They aren't even genuine Cretian tablets, they are made in Sumeria.
Alek: That's still exotic, I've never been there either.
Attendant: Your food and water, miss...?
Hatshepsut: Hatshepsut.
Attendant: Hatshepsut... you're the Pharaoh's wife, aren't you!?
Hatshepsut: Yes, unfortunately I am.
Attendant: Oh well, then, can I interest you in a 20% discount?
Hatshepsut: Of course. Here is the gold.
Attendant: Thank you, and... would you might signing this?
Hatshepsut: What is it?
Attendant: An endorsement notice, so we can advertise saying 'Our customers include royalty, such as Hatshepsut'.
Hatshepsut: Can't do any harm I suppose... here.
Attendant: Thank you kindly. Safe travels, all of you.
Hatshepsut: Come on, everyone, back on the boat, now!
Freya: But the garden here is so interesting... such pretty flowers...
Hatshepsut: Are you forgotting we are on a divine mission to go start extracting crude oil and refining it into Polyurethane to use as the filling for a football?
Alek: It doesn't sound so glorious when you put it that way.
Maid in Waiting: Oh yes it does, can't you imagine the oil gushing from the ground?
Lady in Lingering: Or how we'll be able to kick it really hard and send it flying far way?
Hatshepsut: That's enough of that. I'm pulling the anchor up. Everything myself...


*Thus, they sailed on, past Rhodes.*


Freya: I thought there would be something here...
Hatshepsut: It hasn't been built yet.
Freya: Well, that's a Colossal shame...
Lady in Waiting: I think that one was a bit too on the nose.
Hatshepsut: You are assuming a level of historical knowledge from any potential observers that simply isn't there...
Lady in Lingering: I'm sure some of the women will get it...
Maid in Waiting: Some of the men will too, certainly from me...
Hatshepsut: I'm in half a mind to send you back to Egypt.
Maid in Waiting: Ohh, don't, I'm so curious about what the men in the Levant look like.
Hatshepsut: That's exactly why I want to send you back!
Lady in Lingering: You're giving us women a bad name.
Maid in Waiting: It's not my fault I was written by a man... in more ways than one.
Hatshepsut: And I don't want you to explain a single one of them.
Freya: Look, land!
Hatshepsut: Thank the gods...
Lady in Waiting: That's Byblos!
Hatshepsut: I know, I charted the course specifically so that we would end up there.
Lady in Waiting: Ohhh...


*The ship slowly sailed into the harbour of the town, where it was greated by excited locals, who a dock worker was urging to stay back.*


Lady in Lingering: What are they so excited about?
Hatshepsut: Who knows? These are parts outside of the direct heartland of civilisation, just like Dundee is.
Freya: Hey!
Alek: Yeah, that's our home!
Hatshepsut: Then you should know I am absolutely right.
Freya: I would grumble, but there's no time for that.
Hatshepsut: That's exactly right. Now, quick, we have no time to waste, extracting oil is serious business.
Alek: Do we even know how to do it?
Hatshepsut: Well, not strictly speaking, no. But it can't be that hard, its just drill down and it starts coming out, right?
Lady in Waiting: We don't know any more than you do...
Hatshepsut: We'll need some more divine intervention for this I suspect.
Lady in Lingering: But who from? And please let it be a goddess this time...
Hatshepsut: I suspect that it will be, so you are in luck. But first, we need to get off the boat and find an oil field...
Dock Worker: Ahh, visitors, always good to have. And you are from...?
Hatshepsut: Egypt, but the boy and girl are from Dundee in Scotland.
Dock Worker: You don't have to clarify where Dundee is. We all know it, after all, it is the most holy city in the world...
Lady in Waiting: What subtle writing...
Hatshepsut: ...writing on the stonework around the walls of that building, on the first, second, and third ones?
Dock Worker: Is there something wrong with the fourth one?
Hatshepsut: It tends to break illusions.
Dock Worker: Oh, I see. That's a good point. but it does let in a draft, and let other people see what you are doing.
Maid in Waiting: So its best to put on a really good show for them!
Hatshepsut: I prefer not to let strangers watch everything I am doing. And anyway, that was a nice chat, but how much is it to park the boat here for a week?
Dock Worker: One ounce of gold, special offer.
Hatshepsut: Here you go. Look after it, we have a long journey ahead of us, and if we stay for too long, I'll pay when we get back.
Dock Worker: No worries miss, we've got the first, and best boatpark in all of the Levant.
Hatshepsut: You mean a marina?
Dock Worker: I suppose so, but we've already had all the stone tablets scratched, so its too late to change it now.
Lady in Waiting: Can't you rub it out and change it?
Dock Worker: If only we could, but rubbers don't work on stone, and at any rate, haven't been invented yet.
Hatshepsut: Regardless, we have to get going, its a long way to Nineveh.
Lady in Waiting: Is that the current capital of Assyria?
Hatshepsut: You are assuming a level of basic fact-checking that simply isn't present in this story.


*The long journey inland was somehow not as long as it might have been if one genuinely attempted to carry it out. This was perhaps because the author was becoming accutely aware of how the play was beginning to drag quite a bit.*


Hatshepsut: Amazing, we are already here!
Maid in Waiting: Oh joy, thank god for the Assyria Express Stagecoach service, with its speedy carriages and adorable horses.
Freya: Oh look, isn't Nineveh so grand and exciting!
Alek: I can just about see it if I concentrate enough...
Hatshepsut: What, are you short sighted?
Alek: Nope, just budget constraints.
Hatshepsut: Well, we better go see the King to see if we can acquire a license to drill for oil. We'll call it the Assyro-Egyptian Petrolium Compaany, or AEPC for short.
Lady in Waiting: Why do we even need a company, we just need a football...
Hatshepsut: Because we need to sell merchandise as well. Dundee Football Club branded footballs will soon be all the rage here in Nineveh.
Freya: And then they will all go to Dundee on holiday, boosting our economy?
Hatshepsut: Yes, boosting your economy... and more importantly bringing enlightenment to the masses.
Maid in Waiting: Look, its the King of the Assyrian Empire coming, Nur-ili! Isn't he handsome?
Alek: Why, if it is an empire, is it still ruled by a king, and not an emperor?
Hatshepsut: The British Empire also was ruled by a King, or Queen.
Alek: What's the British Empire?
Freya: I was going to ask that!
Hatshepsut: Don't ask me, but your descendants about 100 generations in the future will know.
Nur-ili: Welcome to our city, adventurers, what may we offer you?
Hatshepsut: First of all, how honoured we are to see you, King Nur-ili...
Nur-ili: Think nothing of it. It isn't all that often we get a strange band of people show up here, and one of the guards overheard you talking about football, which got me really intrigued.
Hatshepsut: Well, have you heard of Dundee?
Nur-ili: Who hasn't? The great holy city, that will allow us all to transcend this mortal plain and ascend to the next stage in our spiritual evolution.
Alek: How come everyone knows about our tiny little neolithic village?
Freya: I was going to ask that as well!
Nur-ili: It is not just a neolithic village my boy. It is what will, in time, save the human race. For in the distant future, when stars burn out, and the word is cast into a godless morally bankrupt society, where vice runs free, where demons openly feast on the souls of the wretched and the damned...
Hatshepsut: Come now King Nur-ili, don't offend the future, after all, that is when our story will be told to the world.
Nur-ili: Right as always, my dear Hatshepsut. It does indeed prove often fruitful to hear what women have to say.
Lady in Waiting: And here I thought the shameless political pandering was a joke that had long since ran its course.
Hatshepsut: Ye of little faith, who knows, with how many layers of nonsense there are here, it will be hard to even figure out the true intentions of this play.
Maid in Waiting: Speaking of which, why did we even come to Assyria?
Lady in Lingering: And why haven't I got to say something for so long, this is the second time.
Hatshepsut: Because you are not the main character, duh.
Maid in Waiting: And because it is quite amusing watching a side character stood to the side awkwardly with nothing to do while the main characters get on with the plot.
Lady in Lingering: You can't talk, more often than not that is also you.
Lady in Waiting: Me three. Its almost like we are a barely distinguished three-headed hydra that rears its head just when a witty or silly interjection is needed, and then disappears.
Freya: Don't worry too much. Soon enough our story will be over, and then we won't mind what the future brings, for we will no longer be around as observers to see our impact.
Hatshepsut: Let's not get so nihilistic, or you might end up like that incredibly overrated philosopher with the impossible to spell surname...
Freya: Nietzsche?
Hatshepsut: That's the one.
Alek: I think we are losing the plot...
Maid in Waiting: What plot?
Lady in Waiting: The fact we are supposed to be here finding crude oil of course.
Hatshepsut: You be quiet. I certainly remembered that, I just happened to get briefly sidetracked.
Alek: Hardly briefly.
Nur-ili: Cough cough. Actually, we have just started a crude oil company. We named it 'Carapace'.
Freya: Why? What even is that?
Nur-ili: Well, Shell was copyrighted.
Freya: But its over 1000 years BC, copyright doesn't exist.
Nur-ili: Still, we aren't taking any chances. Anyway, they have a shop in the city centre. You should go there to buy some.
Freya: This feels an awful lot like downscaling. I was so excited to drill for oil myself.
Nur-ili: You thought you could just come here and do that? We have strict planning permission laws, environmental protection laws, population dispersal laws...
Alek: Cool...
Lady in Waiting: Should we go to the shop then?
Lady in Lingering: But we still have so many jokes to tell here...
Maid in Waiting: No we don't. We're just about out of ideas.
Hatshepsut: Quit it. You're making us look bad.


*So they walked through Nineveh, and finally arrived at a shopping street, full of bustling shops.*


Freya: I can't believe we just walked away from the King of Assyria without even saying goodbye.
Lady in Waiting: I forgot...
Hatshepsut: I didn't, I just did it off screen.
Lady in Lingering: What you mean is the author forgot to write that bit?
Hatshepsut: ... I have no idea what you are talking about. Oh! Look, there is the crude oil shop, Carapace.
Lady in Waiting: Let's go!
Freya: Isn't the street on the way to it so interesting?
Alek: Isn't it so generous to leave its appearance totally up to each individual staging?
Freya: That's assuming it ever gets staged.
Hatshepsut: Oh look, while you were talking, we ended up in the shop. Hello Mr Shopkeeper!
Mr Shopkeeper: How did you know my name?
Hatshepsut: Oh... lucky guess.
Maid in Waiting: Your surname is really Shopkeeper? Is there a Mrs Shopkeeper?
Mr Shopkeeper: Yes there is.
Maid in Waiting: Awwww...
Hatshepsut: Anyway, Mr Shopkeeper, can we buy some crude oil. We need it to make Polyurethane.
Mr Shopkeeper: One large pot of crude oil coming right up.
Alek: And how do we turn that into Polyurethane?
Lady in Lingering: Do you even make it out of crude oil?
Hatshepsut: Of course you do. It's produced via a mystical ritual where we stand around the pot and chant an incantation that turns it into a nice ball of Polyurethane, with a skin on it, making a perfect football.
Alek: And then kick it around?
Hatshepsut: Don't be absurd. Only a select group of high priests are allowed to touch the football. In the business, they are called 'Footballers'.
Mr Shopkeeper: Here is your pot of crude oil. That's one small bag of gold.
Hatshepsut: Thank you very much, here is the gold.
Lady in Waiting: Who would have thought that a 'small bag of gold' is a measurable standard unit of payment?
Hatshepsut: Don't be silly. Of course it is.
Freya: Anywhere specific we have to do the ritual?
Hatshepsut: Yes there is. In the mystical depths of Florence, Italy.
Alek: Any particular reason?
Hatshepsut: Calcio storico fiorentino of course.
Lady in Waiting: What even is that?
Lady in Lingering: How should I know?
Hatshepsut: It is an old football-like game played by Florencians.
Lady in Waiting: And here I thought the cursory wikipedia research stage of this story was over.
Hatshepsut: Very much not young woman.
Alek: Shall we get going?
Hatshepsut: Very much so young man.

~~Act 7~~

*And so, with the plot dragging on with the inane extended sequence in Assyria, the group swiftly returned to Byblos, where they boarded their boat and sailed off.*


Lady in Waiting: Not this... we had such an exciting trip back, so much happened...
Maid in Waiting: ... and the dock worker was so nice...
Lady in Waiting: ... so its such a shame that all of that was skipped over.
Hatshepsut: And its probably going to happen again. The last act was rather too long, and I'm so anxious to get back to Dundee.
Alek: We're not going to skip the ritual are we?
Freya: Why shouldn't we? It will almost certainly be incredibly underwhelming.
Hatshepsut: And there you are wrong. The process of making a football is one of the most beautiful things there are. When you see it fully formed... brings a tear to one's eye.
Maid in Waiting: And you say I am the one always being dirty.
Hatshepsut: There is nothing dirty about football, unless you get tackled I suppose.
Alek: Sounds painful.
Hatshepsut: Don't give her more material.
Lady in Lingering: Look, its Italy.
Freya: We sure got there quite quickly.
Hatshepsut: Of course, the Gods guide us.
Alek: I'd forgotten about that...
Lady in Lingering: Of course you would have, being a man.
Freya: That's so mean!
Alek: I've learned in time that the best policy is to ignore such comments.
Hatshepsut: A smart choice. A smarter one would be to redirect the conversation back to the matter at hand, that is, making a football.
Maid in Waiting: But how are we supposed to do that? This has been going on so long that I've lost track of the plot.
Lady in Waiting: What plot?
Hatshepsut: Just because you two are two thick to follow this beautiful and divinely inspired story that we have been set on...
Maid in Waiting: I am not thick! I am slim and slender and athletic and...
Lady in Waiting: Fit?
Maid in Waiting: ... yes, fit. I work out every day! I diet, I take WellWoman twice a day, every day!
Hatshepsut: You just proved my point. Gods, its so hopeless...
Ra: You think so?
Hatshepsut: Oh wow... Ra?
Ra: There is no time for that. I am in your head, communicating telepathically.
Hatshepsut: But I just said that out loud... the others must think I am going mad!
Maid in Waiting: We do!
Ra: Pay no attention to her. I come with a message. You must make haste, you have but 3 days to make it back to Dundee, before something monumental is to happen there.
Hatshepsut: Of course... a message? You mean there is someone above you? Who?
Ra: That I cannot say, but let me just say, that the line between the mortal and the divine is not as clear cut as one might think it is. Now, goodbye, Hatshepsut.
Hatshepsut: That was...
Lady in Waiting: Seriously, are you okay?
Hatshepsut: Yes you fool! I just spoke to Ra. He told me we have just three days to get to Dundee. Come on, raise the sails higher!
Alek: I'm trying my hardest!
Lady in Lingering: That's not good enough.
Freya: Well I'm trying my double hardest! Ha!
Hatshepsut: Yes yes, hold it!


*The ship, picked up by a divine wind, sailed straight towards the shore of the Italian Peninsula, and with such speed that when it hit the shore, it went up onto it, and ran along the ground at pace, past trees and plains and rivers and primitive dwellings, before finally ending up beached in Florence, conveniently.*


Alek: That was cool!
Hatshepsut: Yes, with one small complication.
Freya: That the boat is now grounded so we can't sail back in it?
Hatshepsut: Don't steal my thunder, but you are right. Still, one step at a time, let's go do the ritual.
Lady in Lingering: This all sounds awfully dodgy. Are we sure this is the way... I mean, can't we just use a stuffed pig's bladder or something?
Hatshepsut: No we cannot, that is grotesque.
Lady in Waiting: But my lady...
Hatshepsut: That joke was old even in the first act. Get on with it, let's make the ritual circle.
Alek: Out of what?
Hatshepsut: Well small pebbles and stuff of course. We don't exactly have an abundance of materials to choose from.
Freya: But where are we going to find that many pebbles?
Hatshepsut: Well, from that pile of pebbles that has conveniently appeared right next to us.
Maid in Waiting: Where did that appear from from?
Hatshepsut: It was the gods, of course. After all this time you still doubt it?
Alek: It is always good to check.
Hatshepsut: It's even better to start making a circle out of the pebbles. Chop chop.
Alek: Fine!


*Alek began picking up pebbles and arranging them into the circle, tirelessly, but himself.*


Alek: Isn't anyone going to help me?
Hatshepsut: Yes, isn't anyone going to help him?
Maid in Waiting: I will, its good cardio.
Freya: I can too.
Lady in Waiting: I'd love to, really, I would, but I think I'll take a quick nap.
Lady in Lingering: I'll do one pebble, just so I can say I helped.
Hatshepsut: Go on then, I've nearly figured out the entire ritual!


*And so, with the collaboration, they managed to complete the big circle after just a few more minutes.*


Hatshepsut: Excellent, excellent! Quick, everyone, stand around the outside.
Freya: Okay okay.
Hatshepsut: There's... only four of you. Wake up!
Lady in Waiting: Huh?
Hatshepsut: Get up and stand by the circle. All of you, evenly spaced out, come on.
Maid in Waiting: We are.
Hatshepsut: And now, I will place the pot in the middle of the circle, and then you will chant after me... there, it's in place. Are you all ready?
Lady in Lingering: Yes.
Hatshepsut: Okay, repeat after me... I pledge my loyalty to the Dundee Football Club Society...
All: I pledge my loyalty to the Dundee Football Club Society...
Hatshepsut: And may the power of our collective loyalty manifest...
All: And may the power of our collective loyalty manifest...
Hatshepsut: A football for the benefit of our most holy football club...
All: A football for the benefit of our most holy football club...
Lady in Waiting: Look, its working!
Hatshepsut: Shut up! And may this football last forever as the sacred artefact of Dundee Football Club.
All: Shut up! And may this football last forever as the sacred artefact of Dundee Football Club.
Hatshepsut: You weren't supposed to say shut up. But still, it worked, look!
Freya: A real football!
Alek: Its amazing...
Hatshepsut: It must be handled with much care. No one touch it, I will get it in a bag.
Alek: But what if we want to play football?
Hatshepsut: You can't. There, got it in a bag, let's go!
Freya: But how? Our ship is grounded, and its like 50 miles to sea.
Hatshepsut: We do the only thing we can do, we walk.
Freya: We'll never make it in three days walking!
Hatshepsut: Ordinarily, you would be right. Luckily, we have divine blessing. Trust the Gods, and they will make it so.
Freya: I hope you are right.
Hatshepsut: I'm always right, come on, let's go.


*They walked for miles and miles, somehow time warping in and out, and in no time at all, they were in Germania.*


Hatshepsut: Nice place here.
Lady in Lingering: Too many Germans... now if there were Gerwomans instead...
Hatshepsut: Shut up, the countryside is lovely, nice people, slightly uncivilised, but that will resolve itself in time.
Richard Wagner: Who are you calling uncivilised?
Freya: Wagner! I really loved Parsifal!
Richard Wagner: Oh, fans... and I thought it was just Liszt who had those...
Alek: I prefered Der Ring des Nibelungen.
Hatshepsut: Hold on a moment... you are Scots, you don't have theatres, where on earth did you hear his music?
Freya: On the radio of course.
Hatshepsut: Radio!?
Freya: Don't you have radio in Egypt?
Hatshepsut: No we don't. My husband, the so called 'Pharaoh', banned it. He said that the radio waves are secret government mind control. But he is the government!
Alek: Maybe he knows something that you don't?
Hatshepsut: Yes he does; how to sit in front of the television motionless for three hours straight.
Freya: You never know...
Hatshepsut: You're right. We'll ban radio, and TV, at Dundee Football Club too, so that people actually have to go to the match in person!
Richard Wagner: Hello?
Lady in Waiting: Yes, that's a good point. We are in the presence of the greatest composer of all time, and you are talking about radio, really?
Lady in Lingering: Who says he is the greatest?
Lady in Waiting: The author of course. He's particularly fond of Tannhauser Overture.
Hatshepsut: Okay, fine. All of you, get autographs, and then let's go... wait a moment, Wagner, you are a composer?
Richard Wagner: Yes, of course I am? You know that?
Hatshepsut: And well, we have a football club... and we need some opening music...
Richard Wagner: I see where this is going...
Hatshepsut: So, could you compose some opening music for matches at the Dundee Football Club stadium? You'll be compensated generously.
Richard Wagner: Generously? Why then of course.
Hatshepsut: Okay then, we'll see you later. Come on guys.
Richard Wagner: Goodbye... Huh, Dundee... I know that name from somewhere...


*They walked for even more miles and miles, and time continued warping in and out, and in no time at all, they were in Dundee again.*


Lady in Waiting: How on earth did we walk over the English Channel?
Hatshepsut: Magic of course...
Freya: It's good to be home.
Alek: Do you think father will be here?
Hatshepsut: Nope, he's still in Braemar.
Lady in Lingering: We should send someone to get him back here.
Dirty old man: You're back!
Seer: I foresaw it, just saying.
Hatshepsut: Oh look, two perfect candidates. You two, off to Braemar.
Dirty old man: But we are so old and frail?
Hatshepsut: Good point... shame mobility scooters haven't been invented yet...
Seer: So, you have the football?
Hatshepsut: Yes we do. There is only one thing left, to assemble a team.
Dirty old man: Well, miss, we took the liberty of gathering our 20 strongest men, so that you may pick a team from them.
Hatshepsut: Excellent. But that all sounds ever so boring. I will let the gods chose our team, its only fair.


*The gods picked the team, via such a mystical method that it is impossible to extress in writing, or even visually. The group stood in front of the stadium*


Maid in Waiting: Look at that team... eleven of the most fit and virile men from the entirety of Dundee.
Hatshepsut: This is about football! Keep it proper and dignified please.
Maid in Waiting: But I thought...
Lady in Lingering: ...
Lady in Waiting: The rest of you do hear that too right?
Hatshepsut: Yes we do, shhh...
Freya: Its marching?
Alek: An army of some sort?
Hatshepsut: Look, there!
Alek: They look a bit like you...
Hatshepsut: No they do not, that's just from the distance.
Freya: Egyptians?
Hatshepsut: Must be... but why?
Lady in Waiting: Your husband must be annoyed that you just abandoned him like that.
Hatshepsut: I'm surprised he even noticed.
Lady in Lingering: But what are we going to do? We can't have him here.
Hatshepsut: You're right... but he has something I want.
Lady in Waiting: He has nothing I want, even though I am totally obsessed with...
Hatshepsut: Keep it clean please. He is still the Pharaoh, and if he were to be... dispatched, then I would succeed him.
Lady in Lingering: You would kill your own husband!? ... I approve!

Listen, worry yourself not, for the rest of the seventh part of the play is surely forthcoming in the very near future... hey, you're reading this on the Wayback Machine... just go to a more recent snapshot of the page, its available right now! So please, hold your horses, or ponies, or donkeys...